Yom Kippur and the Courage to Take Ownership

It’s easy to point fingers. It’s harder to look in the mirror.

When something goes wrong, our instinct is often to look outward.

Who hurt me?
Who disappointed me?
Who made me angry?
Who needs to change?

But real growth often begins with a different question:

What is my part in this?

Yom Kippur gives us an opportunity to stop looking out the window and start looking in the mirror.

The Courage to Look Inward

Yom Kippur is a day of teshuvah, often translated as repentance, but the Hebrew word carries the idea of returning.

Returning to our values.
Returning to the person we want to be.
Returning to ourselves.

That process requires honesty.

Taking ownership does not mean blaming ourselves for everything that has happened to us. There are things outside of our control. Other people make choices that affect us. We experience disappointment, pain, loss, betrayal, and circumstances we never asked for.

But there is an important difference between what happens to us and how we choose to respond to it.

We may not be responsible for everything that has happened, but we can examine the behaviors, reactions, and patterns that belong to us.

That is where our power lies.

Stop Sweeping It Under the Rug

Many of us become very good at avoiding uncomfortable truths.

We stay busy.

We rationalize.

We blame.

We tell ourselves, “That’s just who I am.”

We minimize behaviors that are hurting us or the people around us.

Eventually, we can accumulate quite a bit underneath the rug.

Yom Kippur asks us to look at what we have been avoiding.

Maybe I need to acknowledge the way I speak when I am angry.

Maybe I need to look at how I respond when I feel criticized.

Maybe I have been avoiding a difficult conversation.

Maybe I continue to engage in a behavior that I know is hurting me.

Maybe I have blamed other people for something I actually have the ability to change.

The goal is not shame.

The goal is awareness, ownership, and change.

Accountability Is Different From Shame

There is an important distinction between saying:

“I am a bad person.”

and saying:

“I behaved in a way that does not reflect the person I want to be.”

The first can trap us in shame.

The second creates an opportunity for growth.

Healthy accountability allows us to recognize our mistakes without allowing those mistakes to define our entire identity.

In therapy, this can be an important turning point. When we stop spending all of our energy explaining why everyone else is wrong, we finally have the opportunity to examine the one person whose behavior we actually have the ability to change:

ourselves.

An Apology Is a Beginning, Not an Ending

Yom Kippur also reminds us that reflection alone is not enough.

If we recognize that our behavior has harmed someone, meaningful change requires more than simply feeling badly about it.

It may require an apology.

It may require repairing a relationship.

It may require changing a pattern.

It may require creating boundaries.

It may require asking for help.

It may require making a different decision the next time we encounter the same situation.

Saying “I’m sorry” matters.

But there is something even more powerful:

“I’m working on changing the behavior that made the apology necessary.”

What Are You Ready to Take Ownership Of?

As Yom Kippur approaches, perhaps the most meaningful question is not simply, “What did I do wrong?”

Instead, we might ask:

Where have I been looking out the window when I need to look in the mirror?

What behavior am I ready to stop defending?

What pattern am I ready to confront?

Who deserves an apology from me?

What conversation have I been avoiding?

What am I still sweeping under the rug?

And most importantly:

What can I do differently moving forward?

Taking ownership can be uncomfortable. But ownership also gives us something incredibly valuable: the ability to change.

We cannot control every person around us.

We cannot rewrite the past.

But we can decide what we do next.

Perhaps that is one of the most powerful lessons of Yom Kippur.

We look honestly at where we have been, take responsibility for what belongs to us, make amends where necessary, and commit ourselves to moving forward differently.

Look in the mirror, not out the window.

Not because the person in the mirror is perfect.

Because that is the person you have the power to change.